Merriam and Webster - Vacillate

Vacillate 

1: to sway through lack of equilibrium b : fluctuate, oscillate

2: to waver in mind, will, or feeling : hesitate in choice of opinions or courses 

I credit my parents - especially my mother- with my unwavering love of language. Because of my love affair with words, sometimes I get stuck on one or another.  

Lately, vacillate keeps trying to beat me up and steal my lunch money.

Make:

Guerilla Crochet in the Rocket Park

I was lucky enough to be able to spend the day at Maker Faire yesterday.  I can't even begin to say how amazing and inspiring it was, not to mention a little overwhelming.

There was a lot of stuff that I'm really excited about:

• TechShop opening a location in Brooklyn
• The possibility of getting my own Makerbot.
• Everything about Shapeways.
• Make Magazine for $20 for a year.
• The realization that a laser cutter isn't completely out of my price range.
• ShopBot.  'Nuff said.
• The Tom Kha Gai recipe from Instructables.

Maker Faire did get my wheels turning though.  It made me realize that maybe, just maybe, art can actually be something I do for love and for money without it necessarily being something I do for someone else.

Added to my stash-  I talked yarn, Mike talked computers.

Hello Perverts!

Summer

8/26/2010 - Number 3

Job Search

This is what I see when I look at my own resume.

10 FOR 10 Update

It's more than halfway through 2010, so it's probably a good time to take an inventory of where I stand with this year's goals.

1. Get reacquainted with old friends.

I've been better, but there's still a long way to go. Alumni Banquet helped, but I have definitely slipped agian. I am planning a trip to North Carolina in September for just this purpose.

2. Get Certified.

Still not there. But working on it. Well thinking about working on it. I'm trying to figure out exactly which direction to go, which program to do, and how it all will work with my schedule.

3. Get into Shape.

Status Quo, although I'm signing up for a new gym this week and will be trying to get there at least 3 days a week before work. I've also been doing yoga, but it's a vicious cycle. I'm frustrated that I'm not in the shape I used to be in, and I'm afraid of pushing too hard and getting hurt. I'm shotting for halloween now- and a LeeLoo costume that will leave little to the imagination.

4.Get Organized.

Status Quo, sadly.

5.Get a Motorcycle.

Status Quo. Although now that I will shortly be off Sundays, I'm going to try to find time to sit at the DMV for my permit test again, and the money for the weekend class for my license.

6.Put Money in the Bank.

More than halfway there, although with yoga and a motorcycle license on my 'To Do' list, I don't think I'm going to make it.
In the same thread, all my credit cards are paid off, so I no longer have that debt looming over my head.

7. Get Enlightened.

Status Quo. I feel like I've barely thought about this one, much less addressed it.

8. Have more Patience.

Again, Status Quo. I thought I was doing well, but the last few weeks have been kind of frustrating. I've been very short with everyone and everything. Work has reached a tipping point, and I'm just feeling frustrated and a little out of control. I know my time management has been really horrible lately as well, which as caused me no small amount of stress.

9. Get Working.

Work has been rather frustrating lately, and I've reached the point that I do seriously need to start my job search again. I feel a bit stunted by the fact that I'm trying to do so much. I have, occasionally, been working on things in Illustrator and Photoshop (as well as some knitting), some of which I'm rather proud of. So at least I have a start.

10. ?

Still up for grabs, I haven't found something else that I want to focus on this year. With everything else I set out to do languishing half-finished or barely started, I'm not sure I've even have time to add something else to this list.

Big Brother- Fin

It's taken me a while to actually bring myself to sit down at write this post. I was so happy relieved to be done with the Accutane that I just didn't want to sit down and relive the exerience, even to sum-up it up.

I am done though; after however many months, I'm done - for now.

I didn't get the results I wanted, but it did some good. My skin is definitely clearer, it just not clear enough. It doesn't seem like it was worth the cost, the stress, all the hoops to jump through for mediocre results.

Will I do it again, if needs be? Maybe. I don't relish the though, but I knew going into this that it was a last resort. It might just take a couple of tries to get the results I want.

Transitions

Today is the 22nd of June. Yesterday, the Summer Solstice, I did yoga in Times Square.

I am blessed to have this body, and to be able to celebrate it, to celebrate life, and to find a moment of peace with hundreds of other yogis in the always-beating heart of New York.

Big Brother Continues

I sat in my car today outside my dermatologist's office and cried.

Yes, I'm pmsing. Yes, I haven't gotten much sleep lately. But still, I walked out of the office, sat down in my car, locked the door and cried.

I can't even put into words how frustrated and disappointed I am right now. I wanted to do some silly Mastercard commercial-esque quantitative list of what this medication has cost me in time, and energy, and money; how many countless hours spent waiting in the dermatologist's office, or how many ridiculous questions I've answered online just to pick up my prescription, but I don't have the energy.

After 8 months on Accutane I've still got acne. Or rather more appropriately, I've got acne again. 8 months of medication whose only purpose is to clear up my skin and I'm still breaking out. It seems pretty reasonable right now to feel like I've wasted my time. My skin is better, I will certainly admit that, but it's anything but clear.

According to my dermatologist some people just have 'stubborn' acne. Apparently Accutane is really only effective for 2/3 of people. There's that other 1/3 of us whose bad skin is just more resilient. Lovely. Leave it to me to have recursive acne. That's just want I want to hear after spending hundreds of dollars on this escapade.

I'm so frustrated and disappointed right now I don't even know... I don't blame the nurses at the dermatologist for being so optimistic at the beginning. It helped me feel like maybe there was something to be optimistic about. I mean it's their job to make people feel like everything's going to be ok. I mean they had a 2 out of three chance of being right, right? (I do really like the nurses at my dermatologist, much more than like my dermatologist actually. She's too awkwardly cold and clinical. It's a stark contrast from the bubbly nurses).

So now, yet again, I'm down to 'just one more month', which puts me in the middle of May. 9 (or is it only 8? I honestly don't remember) months after I started this whole ordeal. Either way it's been too long. I acquiesced to another month, despite my frustration, in part, I think, because I'm so afraid that as soon as I go off the medication my acne will come back in force, just as bad, if not worse, than it was before.

I can't be on it much longer though. My skin just won't heal anymore. cuts and scrapes take months to close over. And even then they do, they leave discolored splotches. It's funny to re-read what I'm writing now and compare it to how optimistic I was even just a month ago. I feel like all the advances I made have all fallen by the wayside.

Maybe the depression symptoms they've associated with Accutane were in that 1/3. Maybe it's not a side-effect of the medication, but a side-effect of it's ineffectiveness. Either way, I'll be glad to be done with it, whenever the end is.