Big Brother Continues

I sat in my car today outside my dermatologist's office and cried.

Yes, I'm pmsing. Yes, I haven't gotten much sleep lately. But still, I walked out of the office, sat down in my car, locked the door and cried.

I can't even put into words how frustrated and disappointed I am right now. I wanted to do some silly Mastercard commercial-esque quantitative list of what this medication has cost me in time, and energy, and money; how many countless hours spent waiting in the dermatologist's office, or how many ridiculous questions I've answered online just to pick up my prescription, but I don't have the energy.

After 8 months on Accutane I've still got acne. Or rather more appropriately, I've got acne again. 8 months of medication whose only purpose is to clear up my skin and I'm still breaking out. It seems pretty reasonable right now to feel like I've wasted my time. My skin is better, I will certainly admit that, but it's anything but clear.

According to my dermatologist some people just have 'stubborn' acne. Apparently Accutane is really only effective for 2/3 of people. There's that other 1/3 of us whose bad skin is just more resilient. Lovely. Leave it to me to have recursive acne. That's just want I want to hear after spending hundreds of dollars on this escapade.

I'm so frustrated and disappointed right now I don't even know... I don't blame the nurses at the dermatologist for being so optimistic at the beginning. It helped me feel like maybe there was something to be optimistic about. I mean it's their job to make people feel like everything's going to be ok. I mean they had a 2 out of three chance of being right, right? (I do really like the nurses at my dermatologist, much more than like my dermatologist actually. She's too awkwardly cold and clinical. It's a stark contrast from the bubbly nurses).

So now, yet again, I'm down to 'just one more month', which puts me in the middle of May. 9 (or is it only 8? I honestly don't remember) months after I started this whole ordeal. Either way it's been too long. I acquiesced to another month, despite my frustration, in part, I think, because I'm so afraid that as soon as I go off the medication my acne will come back in force, just as bad, if not worse, than it was before.

I can't be on it much longer though. My skin just won't heal anymore. cuts and scrapes take months to close over. And even then they do, they leave discolored splotches. It's funny to re-read what I'm writing now and compare it to how optimistic I was even just a month ago. I feel like all the advances I made have all fallen by the wayside.

Maybe the depression symptoms they've associated with Accutane were in that 1/3. Maybe it's not a side-effect of the medication, but a side-effect of it's ineffectiveness. Either way, I'll be glad to be done with it, whenever the end is.

Big Brother Part 5

So I'm nearing the end of this whole business. Maybe, I think. Supposedly I'll only be on the Accutane for another few weeks. I'm looking forward to not having to deal with my painfully dry skin, cracked lips or the monthly sties that keep popping up (I just got a new one yesterday, my eye is pretty badly swollen this morning. Thankfully I still have medication from the last two times).

I'm at the point that I see the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of no longer needing to take the medication or deal with the side effects, but I'm not really happy. My skin's not as clear as I want it to be. It's not just that it hasn't healed yet... that comes and goes, but more that I'm still getting breakouts.

I was always under the impression that Accutane was some sort of miracle drug. You'd think that too if you heard the way my dermatologist and the nurses in her office talk about it. From the beginning they ooh'ed and ahh'ed about how wonderful the results are and how beautiful my skin would look. 8 months in I just don't see it. I don't see the smooth, glowing complexion that everyone swore this drug would give me. Don't get me wrong, there is a world of difference between the way my skin looked when I started and they way it looks now. It's a long way off from permanent breakouts of cystic acne; it's way less painful, even with the dry skin, chapped lips and eczema. It's just not perfect.

I'm disappointed.

I know I have to make the best of this, but I don't want to have to keep up with creams and lotions and medications after I'm done with this. I also really don't want to have to do another round of Accutane, jumping through all the hoops just to get a prescription in the first place, dealing with the onslaught of side-effects, and the vampire-ness that it requires.

I have at least another few weeks on the medication (my next appointment is on the 19th) and I'm sure quite a bit of time using all sorts of stuff to make me skin heal-

-Just as an aside, the last prescription she gave me was for Bionect, which, when filled generically comes in a large plastic bottle that looks more like it should be in a laboratory than on the shelves of a pharmacy. No money was wasted on package degsign here. It's just a plain clear bottle, filled with a clear gel, proudly proclaiming Sodium Hyaluronate .02 %.-

I guess I just need to keep waiting, like I have been. Maybe, in the end it'll all wok out.