City Beautiful

I am beginning to really appreciate time spent on the train.  I've been spending a lot of time in the city as of late and so a lot of time on the train as well.  Its an hour of time with 'nothing else to do, nowhere else to go'.  I could catch up on any one of the books I'm reading, or listen to my ipod- both of which I do occasionally- but the past few times, I've spent a large part of the trip just staring out the window, trying to let my thoughts come and go as they please.

For the most part it's been pleasant thoughts- excitement, contentment, and a general sense of well-being. I've been generally happy for a few months now, and so I'm perfectly happy to stare out the window as my thoughts come and go like waves rolling onto the shore.

The Legend of Billie Jean

A week ago I cut off nearly 2 feet of hair.  

I've been doing a lot of reevaluating my life lately, a benefit of having a roof over my head, a steady income, and the luxury of making changes in my life and more importantly, in myself.

There are a lot of changes to be made.

I want to love more, without reservation; without worrying that I might get hurt.  I want to have more compassion.  I want to live more- to adventure, to explore.  I want to experience new things and new people.  I want to be more patient.

I want to fear less, to worry less. I want to be less judgmental.  I want to give up on mistrust of others and doubt of myself.  I want to let go of my hang-ups and be more honest with my friends and lovers.

I want to live my life without the need for guilt or regret.  

This is what I want to change.

The best Defense is a good Offense

#480

1001 Things I want in a Lover

9 May 09

#480

Someone who is a part time lover and a full time friend.

Complaint Department

I complain too much.  I don't usually notice it.  I kind of gloss over it in my daily life as just something I do.  I bitch about the weather, or the people on the other end of the phone.  I bitch about the horrible drivers or my graphic design class. I just bitch in general.  

I don't think I bitch any more than the average person, and I don't put much weight in my complaints.   I complain as a matter of course- everyone does it.  It's how we relate to our coworkers- we often don't share the same successes, but can all commiserate about our frustrations;how we related to our families- oh no, crazy uncle Bill is at it again;  how we relate to our friends- my parents are on my back again about when I'm going to visit/get married/have kids/become straight.  

We as a society deal with our pain by bitching about it.  

But the bitching, even for that fleeting moment makes us focus on the pain, and rather than dealing with it- acknowledging it's existence, accepting it as a part of life- all of a sudden we create suffering around it.  It's aversion instead of compassion.  Like Noah said at Lila 'staying pissed off out whole lives doesn't work'.  

So I'm trying now to stop feeding into that compulsion to complain.  I'm trying to give up that idle bitching, that unhealthy fixation with things I usually can't control.  

Today was Day 1 of that journey.

It's not going well.

But I don't expect it to.

It's incredible once you're aware of it how much we do idly complain.  Being aware of it is the first step in my journey, and I appreciate (if sometimes less than others) the people who have made me aware of it.  I don't think that in the end I'll be any less of a pessimist.  I don't think not complaining will change my view of things, but maybe after a while more of the annoying stuff will roll off my back, and maybe it won't distract from the good stuff.