Transitions

Today is the 22nd of June. Yesterday, the Summer Solstice, I did yoga in Times Square.

I am blessed to have this body, and to be able to celebrate it, to celebrate life, and to find a moment of peace with hundreds of other yogis in the always-beating heart of New York.

Big Brother Continues

I sat in my car today outside my dermatologist's office and cried.

Yes, I'm pmsing. Yes, I haven't gotten much sleep lately. But still, I walked out of the office, sat down in my car, locked the door and cried.

I can't even put into words how frustrated and disappointed I am right now. I wanted to do some silly Mastercard commercial-esque quantitative list of what this medication has cost me in time, and energy, and money; how many countless hours spent waiting in the dermatologist's office, or how many ridiculous questions I've answered online just to pick up my prescription, but I don't have the energy.

After 8 months on Accutane I've still got acne. Or rather more appropriately, I've got acne again. 8 months of medication whose only purpose is to clear up my skin and I'm still breaking out. It seems pretty reasonable right now to feel like I've wasted my time. My skin is better, I will certainly admit that, but it's anything but clear.

According to my dermatologist some people just have 'stubborn' acne. Apparently Accutane is really only effective for 2/3 of people. There's that other 1/3 of us whose bad skin is just more resilient. Lovely. Leave it to me to have recursive acne. That's just want I want to hear after spending hundreds of dollars on this escapade.

I'm so frustrated and disappointed right now I don't even know... I don't blame the nurses at the dermatologist for being so optimistic at the beginning. It helped me feel like maybe there was something to be optimistic about. I mean it's their job to make people feel like everything's going to be ok. I mean they had a 2 out of three chance of being right, right? (I do really like the nurses at my dermatologist, much more than like my dermatologist actually. She's too awkwardly cold and clinical. It's a stark contrast from the bubbly nurses).

So now, yet again, I'm down to 'just one more month', which puts me in the middle of May. 9 (or is it only 8? I honestly don't remember) months after I started this whole ordeal. Either way it's been too long. I acquiesced to another month, despite my frustration, in part, I think, because I'm so afraid that as soon as I go off the medication my acne will come back in force, just as bad, if not worse, than it was before.

I can't be on it much longer though. My skin just won't heal anymore. cuts and scrapes take months to close over. And even then they do, they leave discolored splotches. It's funny to re-read what I'm writing now and compare it to how optimistic I was even just a month ago. I feel like all the advances I made have all fallen by the wayside.

Maybe the depression symptoms they've associated with Accutane were in that 1/3. Maybe it's not a side-effect of the medication, but a side-effect of it's ineffectiveness. Either way, I'll be glad to be done with it, whenever the end is.

Big Brother Part 5

So I'm nearing the end of this whole business. Maybe, I think. Supposedly I'll only be on the Accutane for another few weeks. I'm looking forward to not having to deal with my painfully dry skin, cracked lips or the monthly sties that keep popping up (I just got a new one yesterday, my eye is pretty badly swollen this morning. Thankfully I still have medication from the last two times).

I'm at the point that I see the light at the end of the tunnel in terms of no longer needing to take the medication or deal with the side effects, but I'm not really happy. My skin's not as clear as I want it to be. It's not just that it hasn't healed yet... that comes and goes, but more that I'm still getting breakouts.

I was always under the impression that Accutane was some sort of miracle drug. You'd think that too if you heard the way my dermatologist and the nurses in her office talk about it. From the beginning they ooh'ed and ahh'ed about how wonderful the results are and how beautiful my skin would look. 8 months in I just don't see it. I don't see the smooth, glowing complexion that everyone swore this drug would give me. Don't get me wrong, there is a world of difference between the way my skin looked when I started and they way it looks now. It's a long way off from permanent breakouts of cystic acne; it's way less painful, even with the dry skin, chapped lips and eczema. It's just not perfect.

I'm disappointed.

I know I have to make the best of this, but I don't want to have to keep up with creams and lotions and medications after I'm done with this. I also really don't want to have to do another round of Accutane, jumping through all the hoops just to get a prescription in the first place, dealing with the onslaught of side-effects, and the vampire-ness that it requires.

I have at least another few weeks on the medication (my next appointment is on the 19th) and I'm sure quite a bit of time using all sorts of stuff to make me skin heal-

-Just as an aside, the last prescription she gave me was for Bionect, which, when filled generically comes in a large plastic bottle that looks more like it should be in a laboratory than on the shelves of a pharmacy. No money was wasted on package degsign here. It's just a plain clear bottle, filled with a clear gel, proudly proclaiming Sodium Hyaluronate .02 %.-

I guess I just need to keep waiting, like I have been. Maybe, in the end it'll all wok out.

Winter

Big Brother Part. 4

5 months in. Or is it 4? Or 6?

It feels like it's been forever and generally, I'm just sick of being on this medication. Otherwise though, there isn't anythnig epic to write about. My skin's still dry, my lips are still dry, the soap in the bathroom at work irritates my hands to a ridiculous degree. I've got prescription moisturizer, prescription steroid cream, and a deep regret I didn't buy stock in baby oil when I went on this medication.

I've gotten over the whiny "why isn't it working yet?" phase I went through last month and have kind of resigned myself to just taking the pills every day, regardless of the result.

Tuesday though, for the first time, I could actually look in the mirror and almost convince myself that my skin was healing. There is a glimmer of hope in this whole mess. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I'll be done with this whole process by May. Just in time for a trip to Ithaca.

10 for 10

Inspired by Stef I've decided to do my own mini version of 25 goals for my 25th year. Really I'm shamelessly stealing her idea, but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I don't much intend to blog about it, save this once, but I feel like making a public announcement of my intentions will help to hold me accountable.

I'm already well into my 25th year, so it seems silly to me to try to cram 25 things into 3/4 of a year. So I've shortened things a bit, trying to focus on the things that are a the top of my 'To Do' list, and in many cases, have been for quite some time. Really, I'd make one of my goals 'Stop Procrastinating' if it didn't already encompass all of them.

So here's my list- 10 things to do in 2010.

1. Get reacquainted with old friends.

No more putting off writing an e-mail, sending a text or making a phone call. My friends are scattered across the country (and the world) and I've lost touch with many of them who helped shape my life up until this point. Part of the goal is resolving to be more proactive in my friendships, instead of feeling guilty that I didn't say 'hello'.

2. Get Certified.

By the end of the year I will be a Certified Yoga Instructor. Period. I think this is the most non-negotiable of my goals.

3. Get into Shape.

My goal isn't to lose weight, fit into a smaller dress, look like Natalie Portman. I want to feel strong, and powerful. I want to feel like I did when I was fencing. I want to kick ass and take names. Mostly, I want to feel comfortable in my own body again, and secure in the knowledge that I can do what I ask of it.

4.Get Organized.

My space is in a perpetual state of chaos. It's time to change this.

5.Get a Motorcycle.

Or at least a license. I might not be able to afford a motorcycle, but I can treat myself to lessons and the license, for when I have less time to sit at the DMV for hours on end during the middle of the week.

6.Put Money in the Bank.

10,000 is the goal, which is kind of lofty considering I make only slightly above minimum wage.

7. Get Enlightened.

Or at least sit on it. That means getting my butt on the cushion, consistently, consciously, and sincerely. Making it to a DPX meeting once a month, no ifs, ands, or buts. And making it to any East Coast Silent that happens- within my budget. This also ties into number one and means connecting- and reconnecting- with my sangha, far-flung as it may be.

8. Have more Patience.

With my parents, with my friends, with my boyfriend, with the dog, with the cat, with myself. Don't let work get to me so much.

9. Get Working.

Right now this is kind of an amorphous work goal. Get Inspired. Get something I enjoy. Get something that pays better. Get something that makes me Happy. Get something that lets me be creative, and active and thoughtful. Get something where I can advance, and grow and imagine. Get something that makes me better.

10. ?

Number ten is up for grabs. I figured I should leave myself some wiggle room, I also wanted to leave room for suggestions. Something I should work on? Something I should try? Let me know.

Wisdom

Forgiveness means letting go of the burning ember that is anger.  It doesn't mean inviting them in to hurt you again.  

I am trying to remember this lesson.

And more importantly, put it into practice.

Christmas Haiku

On Christmas morning,

I still get excited, Ah!

A Buddhist failing.

May everyone have a safe and happy holiday.

Google Reader

The tag cloud from my Google Reader pretty neatly sums up my life. 

Big Brother is Watching My Uterus - Part 3

The start of month 3.

Let's play a game. It's called "Symptom or Side-Effect".

First some easy ones...

Dry Skin? Side-effect

Chapped Lips? Side-effect

Runny nose? Probably allergies, so Symptom.

Now the hard ones...

Joint pain

Muscle pain

Stomach Issues

Headaches

I've been on this medication for a full two months now.  It's nothing nearly as bad as I expected, but there are so many things I didn't expect when I went on it.  You can never imagine just how dry your skin can get, or how chapped your lips could possibly be, until one day you realize that a significant portion of your brain is distracted by how much your arms itch and a significant portion of your time is spent licking your lips in a painfully counterproductive attempt at keeping them from bleeding.  

What I really didn't expect though, was how much I'd worry that every little ache or pain or twinge or bad mood was a side-effect of the medication.  The list of side-effects on the information sheet from the pharmacy fills the better part of an 8 1/2 by 11 sheet... at 7 point type.  The information sheet included with each 10-pack of pills, 2.5 x 3.5 when folded, unfolds to a daunting 34 x 19 - double-sided- 5 point monstrosity (not all of which is side-effects, much of it is the chemical information for the prescription, precautions, information about the ipledge program and birth defect information- arguably a side-effect, but not for my purposes).

The short list of side effects includes psychiatric disorders, intracranial hypertension, pancreatitis, elevated lipids, hearing impairment, hepatitis (elevated liver enzymes, not the kind caused by a virus), IBD, and vision impairment (including decreased night vision). Considering all the potential side-effects, it's no wonder that any time my head hurts, or my stomach is upset I wonder if it's the medication.

To some extent I've experienced a lot of things that could be side-effects of the medication, but I can't be sure. Of course the dry skin (which has now developed into eczema) and chapped lips are a given. 

But what about the muscle pain? Or the headache? 

Too much drinking? Which, of course, you're not supposed to do at all because of the increased incidence of pancreatitis.

What about the stomach issues?

Too much junk food? Not enough exercise? Not enough sleep?

Or the decreased night vision?

Am I tired? Are my eyes just dry? Did I leave my contacts in too long?

I've been lucky that my bloodwork has stayed completely normal.  My triglycerides were 72 last week and my bilirubin is exactly the same as when I started on Accutane. I guess all that drinking hasn't compounded the potential side-effects of the medication.  It still leaves me to wonder (and worry) though, that everything I feel is a potentially dangerous side-effect.  And even scarier, potentially something that will cause me to have to stop treatment.  (The fact that I think being forced to stop treatment is scarier than potentially life-threatening side-effects is even scarier still).

Right now though, it's time for me to go bathe in baby oil in the hopes that the itching will stop. 

Then to pick up round three at the drug store.

Round Three!

Fight!